Something I have learned as Snarky is that the less I say, the more people assume. If I post “hmmmm….”, “ummmm….”, or “I need more coffee”, there will be an animated discussion on what I meant, and at some point someone shouting (well, typing loudly) “slander!” (no matter how many times I explain the word they are looking for is “libel”) and then the threats of attorneys. Personally I would love to be in the meeting with the attorney if one was contacted. It would go something like this…
Butthurt Party: The police told me that I should speak to an attorney.
Attorney: The police? Are you in trouble with the police?
Butthurt Party: No. SnarkyRider posted something I didn’t like on the blog/fb page, so I reported it to the police.
Attorney: I see, and what did the police say?
Butthurt Party: They told me to stop sending threatening messages to SnarkyRider, that it is illegal. Can you believe that? I was the one that was slandered! They then suggested that I contact an attorney.
Attorney: What is it you would like me to do?
Butthurt Party: I want to sue the SnarkyRider fb page/blog. They slandered me and my horse.
Attorney: Slandered? They posted a video in which they stated untruths about you and your horse?
Butthurt Party: No, they wrote things about me and my horse that I didn’t like.
Attorney: You mean Libel.
Butthurt Party: No, they slandered me!
Attorney: (Sigh) We will get back to that. What did they write that you have issue with?
Butthurt Party: They were mean to my horse, and said I didn’t know what I was doing!
Attorney: How were they mean to your horse? Did they come to your property and throw rocks at your horse? Did they tell other people to throw rocks at your horse?
Butthurt Party: No, they posted my craigslist sales ad, and said mean things.
Attorney: So they weren’t actually mean TO your horse. Did they change your ad in some way?
Butthurt Party: No they posted a link to the ad and a screen shot, but they said mean things, and I don’t like it! I want justice! My horse is beautiful and perfect, they shouldn’t say mean things about him. I want to make sure they never say anything mean again. All horses are beautiful and perfect!!!
Attorney: What EXACTLY did they post?
Butthurt Party: They posted my ad, and captioned it with “hmmmmm…..”
Attorney: And what was the mean part?
Butthurt Party: Well, they typed it in a Snarky way.
Attorney: A Snarky way? With a special font? Or the use of emoticons?
Butthurt: No, I just knew what they meant.
Attorney: Let me see, they didn’t post any fabrications, or alter what you yourself wrote. They didn’t actually say anything, but you didn’t like it. Is that correct?
Butthurt Party: They were mean to me and my horse! I NEED to protect others from their meanness. It isn’t right! They shouldn’t be able to say things that I don’t like! I WAS SLANDERED!!! My horse was SLANDERED!!!
Attorney: Okay, for a libel and defamation suit, I will require a retainer of $10,000.00. I can not guarantee that we will win, especially with what you have presented me with here today. If you would like to move forward, you can pay by cashier check and I will proceed with discovery. I will also need to hire a PI to located SnarkyRider. That will be an additional $3000.00.
Butthurt Party: 13K? That’s a lot of money. I shouldn’t have to pay for justice! I was slandered!
Thank you to my legal consultants. You ladies rock! Also, thank you to my meme creators, I was truly stuck!